In The Arms of His Savior

James W. Miller

7/1/1964 - 12/3/2009

Jim went to be with his Lord on Thursday night at 11:30 p.m. surrounded by his sons and me who showered him with love and singing. It is a comfort to know that he is in the presence of the Lord but we are overwhelmed with grief at his passing.

Funeral arrangements are as follows: Visitation will be held Saturday, December 5 from 6:00-8:00 pm, and Sunday, December 6 from 2:00-4:00 pm and 6:00-8:00 pm at McComb's Funeral Home, Covington Road, Fort Wayne, IN 46814.The funeral service will be held Monday, December 7 at 10:30 am with visitation one hour prior to the service at Emmanuel Community Church, 12222 US 24 West, Fort Wayne, IN 46814.

We continue to trust in our most powerful God for the days, months and years that lie ahead as we continue on without our loving husband and father. Thank you for all your love and support and for continually lifting us up before the Lord.

ICU

The doctors decided to treat Jim's systemic leukemia with more chemotherapy in an effort to bring down his white blood count. The thinking is that once the white blood count is down, they will be better able to clear his central nervous system. That treatment was begun on Sunday night. At 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning, I received a call from the hospital saying there was a change in Jim's status. Jim was experiencing shortness of breath and was quickly transferred to the ICU. After many tests, it has been determined that Jim has a blood infection.

Yesterday, the doctors sat down with Jim and I and explained how dire Jim's situation is. We were told how very sick he is and that he is not expected to live. We were given a 5% chance of him pulling through this. The doctor also told us that they would continue to treat Jim as they are "not in the habit of giving up." Among the many medications Jim is receiving, he is receiving antibiotics for the infection and chemotherapy for his leukemia.

We are understandably devastated by this news and our family and friends have surrounded us as we face the upcoming days. We thank God for His faithfulness and His goodness as we continue to ask for healing. He, alone, is in control of our situation, and we thank Him for his grace for each moment.

Ps. 10:17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted, you strengthen their heart. You will incline your ear ~

Thank you for continuing to lift us up before our Mighty God.

A New Plan

Today we found out that the lab results from the spinal fluid that was drawn off last Monday still shows there are blasts in Jim's central nervous system. Jim's doctor here in Fort Wayne has called Dr. Mineishi in Ann Arbor to consult with him about a new plan for Jim. They have not been able to connect yet so we don't know what the next steps will be for certain.

We would be grateful if you could pray with us for the doctors' wisdom at this time as they formulate a new treatment plan for Jim. We will update you when we learn more.

“I Didn’t Really Fall, I Just Slid.”

As I write this blog entry, I have the advantage of seeing how much better things are now compared to a couple days ago. Wednesday was a difficult day. My reserves were gone and even though we had news to share, I couldn't bring myself to write a blog post because I was so exhausted and hopeless. Jim scared me and things escalated to the point where we both felt we had more than what we could handle on our own. Jim had become weaker and weaker. Early Wednesday morning after midnight, Jim was having trouble sleeping. His own words were that he was "agitated." His mind was racing and he was restless. About 2:00 a.m., he got up to use the bathroom. I heard him kind of moan or cry out, and I jumped out of bed to check on him. He was slumped down straddling the toilet backward. He did not have the energy to stay on his feet. I called for Brad and we got Jim back on his feet and into bed. We realized that he knocked the toilet paper holder right out of the wall. I stayed awake for the next few hours watching over him. Early in the morning, I phoned Jim's doctor who recommended admission to the hospital. It was another dark day. We were both so tired and Jim was so weak. I began to think that we would never make it through this because Jim seemed to be going downhill so quickly. I was losing hope. There were lots of tears. Wednesday evening I was given this passage as encouragement.

Lamentations 3:21-25

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him: it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

What a difference a day makes. Jim received IV fluids and transfusions of both platelets and hemoglobin after his lab work was evaluated. Yesterday, after a Thanksgiving dinner with the boys, we went up to see Jim at the hospital. I was surprised to see how improved he was. He was much steadier on his feet and had color in his cheeks. He was able and wanting to have a conversation where just a day earlier, he would only answer with two word sentences because he didn't have the energy to talk. He was clearer minded today and his reflexes were quicker. When we were explaining the reason for his admission to a friend of ours at the hospital, he showed his personality when he said, "I didn't really fall, I just slid." Thankfully, that is true. He didn't fall or bump his head; he just slid down the wall and took out the toilet paper holder. I, of course, told him that we would now have to redecorate our bathroom since there are holes in the wall where the toilet paper holder was.

Jim and I had a great conversation last night about what our lives here on earth mean and how we impact others. We are very aware of the fact that this battle with leukemia isn't about us at all or whether we win the battle, but it is about what God is accomplishing through our situation. As we pray for complete healing and keep our eye on the goal of getting to U of M for the stem cell transplant, we are praying that God would accomplish His purpose. We continue to be thankful that even though emotionally we are up an down from one day to the next, God is always faithful and His great love and compassion never fail. He is our rock and the One who is holding us tightly through this storm.

Jim will undergo another chemo treatment today while he is at the hospital. Please pray that the spinal fluid results would continue to show improvement and that Jim would be able to tolerate the treatment. Chemo days are difficult for Jim but we know they are so necessary to clear his spinal fluid which moves us closer to transplant.

Here's how you can pray:

• Thank God with us that Jim is feeling so much better.
• Thank God for His great love for us.
• Pray that the way would be clear to go to U of M for stem cell transplant.
• Pray that Jim's central nervous system would be clear of all leukemia and that there wouldn't be any "hidden" leukemia cells that could cause relapse.
• Pray that Jim would be better able to tolerate the chemotherapy today and would feel a special presence and comfort from God.
• Pray for the boys and me as we continue each day under the stress of this disease.

Thank you for following us on this journey and uplifting us before our most powerful God.

These Are The Dark Days

Jim has been receiving chemotherapy through the reservoir that was implanted in his head roughly twice a week. Each time they administer chemo, they first draw off some spinal fluid and send it to the lab for analysis to see if there are still any abnormal cells. At the next treatment date, we find out if the last sample was positive or negative for leukemia cells.

Last Thursday, Jim received chemo and had a very rough time with the side effects. He spent the entire morning at the doctor’s office as they gave him anti-nausea medication through his PICC line in an effort to help get the vomiting under control. They considered admitting Jim to the hospital again if they couldn’t get the vomiting to stop. Thankfully, the medicine eventually worked, and he was able to avoid hospitalization. Today was the next scheduled treatment and in an effort to head off these symptoms and make Jim more comfortable, they ran IV fluids to hydrate Jim and also gave him anti-nausea medication prior to administering the chemo. After an entire morning of preparing him, they administered the chemo and almost immediately, Jim experienced severe vomiting that totally wiped him out. While I sat with him, we both cried at how difficult this is. There is nothing more difficult than what he is going though and seeing him so weak and sick. These are the dark days. They have warned us that the chemotherapy given at the time of the bone marrow transplant will be rough, so we are not sure what is in store, but I can tell you that we have never experienced anything more difficult on this journey than what we are going through right now.

I shared with my sister how I ride this roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes, I am so confident that all will turn out well, and other times, I end up in a heap of tears fearing what the future may hold. She compared it to when Peter walked on the water. At first, he trusted God and was fine walking on the water, and then he saw the waves and became afraid and began to sink. Our lives right now are filled with waves crashing all around us – the life or death kind of crashing waves. I have learned over the last few days to identify those feeling as the crashing waves that they are and then pray that God would help me navigate through the storm. And, God is so gracious to continue to be patient with me even when He has shown His mighty hand again and again in our situation. He gives the grace we need when we need it to handle any situation we find ourselves in.

Jim already has this concept down. As I watch him live through what must be the worst days of his life, I see repeatedly what a strong spiritual man he is. I was sharing my frustration with him about leukemia. I was saying that I wanted to have the spinal fluid come back clear so we would feel like we were winning the battle and not the leukemia winning. In his soft, weak voice, he calmly told me that it is not whether we are winning or the leukemia is winning, but rather if God’s purpose in all of this is being fulfilled. After a day of being sicker than I’ve ever seen him, he comes to the dinner table to lead our family in prayer and thanks God for the chemotherapy that has made him so very sick. He is an amazingly strong man, and I am so thankful to be married to him.

We have been praying specifically that the spinal fluid would come back clear and that God would have mercy on Jim as he undergoes these chemotherapy treatments. Today, the doctor told Jim that last Thursday’s lab results showed only one abnormal cell and, according to the doctor, it looked like it was dying. Jim shared that news with me while his eyes were closed and he was lying down recovering from being so sick. It was such good news to us, that we both wept – the ugly cry – but the crying out in thankfulness to God for His continued faithfulness to us.

Jim has a number of other tests scheduled this week that have to be completed before he can return to Ann Arbor. Once the doctors are convinced the spinal fluid is clear, we will get a call from the University of Michigan to find out when we can return. More good news: I talked with the nurse coordinator from U of M today and she confirmed that they were granted permission to use the same protocol for Jim as the clinical trial that just ended. We are looking forward to the next steps toward the stem cell transplant.

Here’s how you can pray:

* Thank God for His goodness and faithfulness to us and for his everlasting love.
* Please pray for strength for Jim. He is very weak and has tests every day except on the Thanksgiving holiday.
* Pray that he would be protected from any germs or illness and that his appetite would continue to be good.
* Pray that the way would be smooth for us to go to transplant. Pray that the central nervous system would be completely cleared of leukemia and that there wouldn’t be any “hidden” leukemia cells.
* Pray for complete healing of this disease.
* Pray that God would continue to show His hand in a mighty way and receive all the glory.

Thank you for continuing to uplift us before our Lord who is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. Our God is good and He is the faithful One.

Our Consultation in Ann Arbor

Yesterday we made the trip to the University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center for an initial consultation. We were both a little nervous about this appointment but also anxious to meet the doctor and his team and get started. I had been praying that God would give us His peace and show us His hand in a mighty way. Jim’s brother, Dan, and his mother-in-law, Linda, (whom I will be staying with during Jim’s hospital stay) joined us for the appointment. Our dear friend, Pat, drove us up to Ann Arbor and back.

After checking in and getting Jim’s height, weight and vitals, we met Dr. Shin Mineishi. It did not take long for us to realize that we were in the presence of an expert in the field of blood and marrow transplantation. Dr. Mineishi is a researcher and principal investigator. He explained to us that he developed the protocol for a clinical study that had just closed at the University of Michigan. He was pleased to report to us that the results of that study show an increased percentage of long-term survival over the traditional method of stem cell transplantation when a patient is not in remission. This was good news to hear. The low percentage that the doctor at IU had given us is no longer the case under this protocol. The percentage of long-term survival is near the same percentage as transplantation in a patient with AML who is in remission. This protocol is being studied at U of M and in Houston, Texas. He explained that because they had received a call from our doctor at IU Medical Center and they knew we were coming, he submitted a request to see if the clinical study could be opened to accept Jim as the 46th patient in that study. That request was turned down. He then explained that he was seeking permission to treat Jim with the same protocol as the clinical study however Jim would not be a participant in that study. He was confident that permission would be granted to do that. The plan is to move forward assuming that permission will be granted.

They reviewed the procedure for transplantation and the possible complications that could arise. Jim would be in the hospital for 3 to 4 weeks and then would be required to stay in the Ann Arbor area for 100 days following discharge for follow-up care. Since Dan was also at this appointment, they began some of the testing that is required for the donor.

Jim will be able to go to transplant in about 2 to 3 weeks. During that time, two things need to be accomplished. The central nervous system needs to be cleared of leukemia. Jim will continue chemo treatments which will be given through the Ommaya reservoir in his head twice a week. Preliminary testing such as MUGA, lung function test, etc. will be done here in Fort Wayne. The doctors will keep a close eye on his peripheral blood and the number of blasts that are present in the blood. If the disease becomes more active, they will move to transplant more quickly.

As we drove home and digested all the information we had been given, we were awed again by how God is in control. We reminded ourselves that none of this is a surprise to Him and are comforted to know that only He is in full control of our situation – not the doctor at IU or even the doctor at U of M. Jim and I both have a renewed sense of hope. I could see as the day went on that Jim was more hopeful and eager to get started. At dinner on the way home, I saw a more relaxed Jim who was even able to laugh.

Here’s how you can pray:

* Pray that the chemotherapy would be effective and that Jim’s central nervous system would quickly clear of all leukemia.
* Pray for strength for Jim and that he would be protected from any germs or illness.
* Pray that Jim would continue to have a good appetite.
* Pray that we could get the required testing accomplished and the way would be smooth to move toward transplant.
* Pray that we would find child care for our children as Jim and I will be in Ann Arbor and for help in care giving for Jim while he is in Ann Arbor after discharge.
* Pray for complete healing of this disease.

Thank you once again for all your support – both in prayer and practical ways – as we continue this journey.

Discharged From The Hospital

Thank you, God, for doctors and nurses who care for Jim and can manage his pain and nausea so he is comfortable.

Thank you that someone figured out that cutting into Jim’s head would reduce his headaches.

Thank you for nurses who hug Jim and me when we leave and whisper in our ear that they are praying for us.

Thank you that Jim is upright and feeling better.

Thank you for friends who come by to visit.

Thank you for Brad who was a huge help this weekend, and who was so sweet and gentle with his mom when the tears came again.

Thank you for friends who provide hot yummy meals for my family so I don’t have to wonder what to make for dinner.

Thank you that Jim could join the family at dinnertime tonight and lead us in prayer.

Thank you for all those who have come week after week to blow our leaves.

Thank you for all the people who send cards and words of encouragement that mean so much.

Thank you for the text messages and phone calls from friends who continue to support us and check in on us every day.

Thank you for a friend who counts it a "privilege" to drive us to Ann Arbor tomorrow.

Thank you for friends who come at a moment’s notice to help Brad rotate the tires on our van and buy tires for his car.

Thank you for a friend who helps me put one foot in front of the other when I don’t know what to do next.

Thank you for both Jim’s family and my family who call to check in on us and pray for us.

Thank you for cell phones so that Jim could be part of John’s prayer service and be encouraged by someone who prayed for him.

Thank you that Dan is a perfect match and You planned it that way.