ARGH!! Frustration!

Last Wednesday I had a doctor appointment, and they told me my counts were rising and that I could get out of the house this weekend. So I did. Lunch out. Dinner out. Grocery store. Church. Lunch out again. It was a good weekend. I was able to ease some of the cabin fever I was feeling. My spirits were up. A little time out and now I am prepared to go back in to the hospital and have my last round of chemo.

Yesterday, the doctor said that my platelet and white cell counts had risen but not enough to be admitted for more chemo. I was also surprised to find out my hemoglobin fell. They gave me the choice of having a red blood cell transfusion or I could go without. If I had the transfusion, then my hemoglobin would be artificially high so we would have to wait for time to pass to determine when my body was producing hemoglobin on its own. If I didn’t take the transfusion, then my numbers would be real, but since I was already below the level when a blood transfusion is required, I was told I would be tired and that another blood draw would be needed on Wednesday to monitor my hemoglobin level. I chose no blood.

Well here is my beef. It is with my body:

The counts did not rise fast enough or high enough.
My hemoglobin fell.
I chose tired over a longer delay.

Today, I am really tired. I feel like my hemoglobin has fallen even lower (the result of the choice I made). My attitude before the labs came back was to let the doctor choose when I should go back in. My thinking was that if they said now, I’d get done a few days earlier. If they said wait a week, then I would feel well and enjoy the week. The answer was neither.

So if ever there was a lesson from God, I am learning it the hard way. Patience. Patience. Patience. I was patient on my terms. But God seems to say that my terms are not enough. Let’s learn it on His terms. So, as I lay on the couch, awake but resting, I will learn patience, and I will learn it. I will work on my attitude so that I will learn it with an open heart.

Jim